The Woman at the Well and the 12 Steps
Preached at Decatur First UMC
Decatur, Georgia
Lent 2026
John 4:5-42
5 So he came to a Samaritan city called Sychar, near the plot of ground that Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired out by his journey, was sitting by the well. It was about noon.
7 A Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” 8 (His disciples had gone to the city to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria?” (Jews do not share things in common with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 11 The woman said to him, “Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? 12 Are you greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us the well and with his sons and his flocks drank from it?” 13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty. The water that I will give will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water.”
16 Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come back.” 17 The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband,’ 18 for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true!” 19 The woman said to him, “Sir, I see that you are a prophet. 20 Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you say that the place where people must worship is in Jerusalem.” 21 Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 But the hour is coming and is now here when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father seeks such as these to worship him. 24 God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” 25 The woman said to him, “I know that Messiah is coming” (who is called Christ). “When he comes, he will proclaim all things to us.” 26 Jesus said to her, “I am he, the one who is speaking to you.”
27 Just then his disciples came. They were astonished that he was speaking with a woman, but no one said, “What do you want?” or, “Why are you speaking with her?” 28 Then the woman left her water jar and went back to the city. She said to the people, 29 “Come and see a man who told me everything I have ever done! He cannot be the Messiah, can he?” 30 They left the city and were on their way to him.
31 Meanwhile the disciples were urging him, “Rabbi, eat something.” 32 But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” 33 So the disciples said to one another, “Surely no one has brought him something to eat?” 34 Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to complete his work. 35 Do you not say, ‘Four months more, then comes the harvest’? But I tell you, look around you, and see how the fields are ripe for harvesting. 36 The reaper is already receiving wages and is gathering fruit for eternal life, so that sower and reaper may rejoice together. 37 For here the saying holds true, ‘One sows and another reaps.’ 38 I sent you to reap that for which you did not labor. Others have labored, and you have entered into their labor.”
39 Many Samaritans from that city believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I have ever done.” 40 So when the Samaritans came to him, they asked him to stay with them, and he stayed there two days. 41 And many more believed because of his word. 42 They said to the woman, “It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this is truly the Savior of the world.”
I was 22 the first time I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was serving as a short-term, domestic missionary and my placement was The Emma Norton Residence - a transitional home for women in St. Paul, MN. Many, if not most, people who have been homeless, also have experience with the family disease of alcoholism. So the social worker handed me a copy of the Big Book and told me that reading it would help me understand the women I was there to serve. And she was right. What she didn’t tell me was that it would help me too. I found myself envious of people who had such a generous and supportive path to serenity. I didn’t want to be an addict, but I wanted a program like AA for myself.
It would be another 25 years before I understood that the 12 steps are for everyone, because everyone is addicted to something.
Some folks are fortunate enough to have an addiction that they CANNOT hide.
Those of us who are addicted to something we CAN hide may never find the path that leads to freedom and serenity, because our addictions don’t look that bad on the outside -
An addiction to anger and resentment might present as someone who is tense and demanding.
An addiction to shame might look like an inability to stop apologizing.
An addiction to our own way of thinking might look like inflexibility.
There is no medical detox for these addictions, but they are almost impossible to overcome on our own.
The most unlucky of us are addicted to something our society values.
An addiction to our own ego, for example, can create people who are dominant.
An addiction to what other people think can create people who are popular.
An addiction to self-discipline can create people with a long list of achievements.
From the outside these folks may look successful in one way or another, and on the inside any one of these addicts is likely suffering terribly.
This is not to say that everyone who is successful is a miserable addict, only that our culture will reward an addiction without regard for the misery of the person having it, especially if it feeds our culture’s addiction to power, control, and entertainment.
Niccodemus, who was the subject of last week’s scripture and sermon, seems like that kind of person. He is a Pharisee - a religious insider with status and authority, and he comes to see Jesus in the middle of the night. Jesus shared with him the good news, that God sent Jesus not to judge the world, but to save it. That interaction ended in the dark, and there is no record in chapter three of any reaction or response from Nicodemus.
The original audience of John’s Gospel would notice that Nicodemus, a religious professional, didn’t seem to get it. And, they would notice that the woman at the well, in the very next chapter, could not be more different from Nicodemus.
He comes looking for Jesus in the middle of the night, presumably to protect his reputation. SHE isn’t looking for Jesus at all, in fact, the text tells us that she’s coming to the well in the middle of the day, the hottest time to do that, when there would likely be no one else there. She too did not want to see or be seen by other people, but for very different reasons. Nicodemus is a religious insider protecting his status. The Samaritan woman has no status. She is an outsider among outsiders.
It’s important to keep in mind that women at this time did not have the right to petition for divorce. If she has had five husbands, she has either been rejected or widowed five times. Even taking into account shorter life expectancies and patriarchal marriage systems, five marriages ending in either death or divorce would be publicly life shattering.
Because of her circumstances, the Samaritan Woman has the gift of desperation. Nicodemus does not. At least not yet. By visiting Jesus in the night with his questions, he could protect his status and job as a Pharisee. No one needed to know that he was struggling with his faith. Jesus offered him “new birth,” but Nicodemus did not have to respond to that invitation. He had the option to go back to his life as a Pharisee.
The Samaritan Woman had no options. Jesus offered her living water, and she said, “Sir, Give me this water.” I don’t wish this kind of tragedy on anyone. And yet, there is no denying that there are gifts in the wilderness of desperation. One of those gifts is clarity.
A few years ago I got a text from my friend Sophie asking if I wanted to meet for coffee. I hesitated before responding. I was dealing with multiple crises in different parts of my life - work, home, neighborhood, extended family - it was a lot. I had so much responsibility, and very little support, and I was really struggling not only with the actual problems, but with anger and resentment. I hesitated to say yes to coffee, not because I didn’t have time, or didn’t want to see Sophie, but because I wasn’t sure I could even have a polite conversation. I didn’t want to talk about what was going on with me, but I wasn’t sure that I could talk about anything else. But, Sophie had been in recovery for a couple of years and I wondered if she needed to talk to me about something, so I said yes and just willed myself to be polite.
It turns out that…my will is not that strong. After a couple of minutes of pleasant small talk, I told her all of it. She did not get to speak for a full thirty minutes. My coffee got cold while I vented about all that I was trying to manage and how terrible it was. When I finished she validated how hard I was struggling, and then kindly said, “Janice, I think you need to go to a meeting.” I said, “Sophie, I’m not an alcoholic.” and she said, “I know you’re not, but you remind me of one.”
It was a cup of coffee at Dancing Goats and not a well in Samaria, but it had a similar effect. I had the gift of desperation, and was no longer able to hide it. And by letting that desperation show, I happened upon someone who offered me grace and a better way. This conversation brought me back to the Twelve Steps as a spiritual tool that God uses to restore me to sanity and serenity.
Addicts and alcoholics in recovery sometimes describe hitting rock bottom as a gift, because it helps them find humility. The rest of us aren’t so lucky. We can go our whole lives like Nicodemus, suffering in private and functioning normally during the day. No humility required. That doesn’t mean that we don’t fall pretty low though.
I wonder, if you have ever found yourself going to extraordinary lengths to manage something that is unmanageable - like going to the well at the middle of the day to avoid seeing people, or willing yourself to hide your problems when talking to a friend. The next time that happens, I hope and pray that you will get to experience the gift of desperation - the clarity that comes from getting to the end of your rope and realizing that your rope is, and always has been, threadbare.
It is helpful, at the end of the rope, to admit to yourself, to God and to another person exactly what is going on. We might prefer to keep it just between us and God, but airing things out with a real live person is a very powerful step that should not be skipped.
Because, you see, we are unreliable narrators. We rationalize, defend, and make up stories to explain things we don’t like or don’t understand. Having another person hear us out can clear things up. The woman at the well was there at the middle of the day, presumably to avoid the people in the nearby town who go to the well when it is cooler. I had always assumed that was because they must have been unkind to her, and that may be true.
But, after telling Jesus the truth about her situation, and finding that he did not condemn her, she was free. She returned to her community and they received her. More than just tolerating her, she was their evangelist. So I suspect that her avoidance of the community at the well was at least partly rooted in her own shame over things she could not control - telling herself a story that she could not go to the well when it was cooler because she did not deserve to be around, or would not be accepted by, other people.
So this work really cannot be done alone. Folks working the 12 steps through a program like AA or Al-Anon have a sponsor. That doesn’t mean that other people can’t do this work, but we do need to choose that person wisely.
We want to choose someone who, like Jesus, does not think it is their job to judge or condemn us. We want someone who can be trusted to hold what we share in confidence, and someone who will not take on our troubles as their own. We are looking for someone who will validate what is valid, without feeding the story we are telling ourselves. If Sophie had said “You’re right. Everyone else is terrible and they don’t know how lucky they are to have you.” I might have felt justified in my anger and resentment, as I kept clinging to the end of that rope. Instead, she validated how hard I was struggling, and lovingly asked whether that struggle was mine to do.
If you are thinking, “Yes, I need to do this, but I don’t know who to say it to,” this is a good time to pray. Tell God what is going on, including your part in it. I find it helpful to write it or type it out. Then ask God for the opportunity to say it to someone who can receive it and respond well. This is mostly about humbly asking God to help us see an opportunity, and not about God sending a magic new person into our lives. I’d known Sophie for years before this conversation happened. I didn’t need a new person, I just needed willingness, humility, and the gift of desperation.
Whatever you are struggling with, I hope and pray that you know that Jesus came not to judge you, but to save you. Sometimes that means saving you from yourself and that almost always involves community.
I hope and pray that at the end of your rope, you recognize that God is there as God is everywhere. And that you find willingness, humility, and the gift of desperation. Amen.
